PC: Anne Almasy

PC: Anne Almasy

I can see it now, oh I can see the love in your eyes. Laying yourself down, raising up the broken to life.

Hillsong

A friend of mine was recently inspired to start a blog by a friend of hers who also recently started a blog, and in the process both have inspired me to start a blog as well. Or rather re-start having a blog. Because apparently blogging is an epidemic that is taking over, so here I am: a teenage girl, still so young and naive pretending to have this great wisdom to share when really it feels like sometimes I'm just looking for something to say.

I just came out of an emotionally draining week, or even month, possibly even year if we’re being honest, but this week I could feel myself especially stressed. There were a lot of lasts happening, changing plans that felt disappointing as they shifted (but ended up being cool), friendships that were entering new stages and friendships that felt like they had found their final stages, and friendships that were floating stressfully in the in between, (mostly people just stress me out I guess) and on top of it I’ve been holding in some secrets that feel like wedges between people I care about most. Also I was sick, which just made me even moodier than I was before.

So Sunday morning, with all of those things piled high on my shoulders, I attempted to think through all of the things that needed to get done before I head off to Spain and my mom rattled off her list and her worries and her stresses and her ideals for me, and it felt like the world was caving in somewhat quickly. Or maybe like I was under water, holding my breathe and trying to ignore the pressure that was consuming me. But then I walked in to church, late because obviously that would be the icing on the cake, and as I scrambled in to my row and numbly began to sing along I could feel the world being lifted off my shoulders. Praising Jesus, singing ‘oh I can see it now, oh I can see the love in your eyes. Laying yourself down, raising up the broken to life.’ And knowing that it was not the pressures of this life that had been weighing me down, but the struggle of going through life without Jesus. Without talking to God, praying, spending time listening to His voice and resting in His peace; and that the biggest secret of all was that in itself. That I had been trying to fool myself into believing that I could do this crazy, beautiful, maddening life without Him helping me carry the load. I talk about Jesus, I feel His convictions and talk to Him but lately I’ve been pushing His voice out of my head, choosing in the name of forgetting to not spend time with Him. And I can see it now, that this road is so rocky and how much I truly do need Him. And I can see the love in His eyes, and it feels like coming home after so many days of confusion, so many hours of trying to find a love as fulfilling from humans who could never be as qualified as He. And what I’ve learned is that it’s a daily thing, that I can see it now, but I have to choose to see it daily. I have to choose to see Him daily, to seek Him in everything.

There’s an old camp song that sings: Walking on a heavenly road, gonna lay down my heavy load, cause Jesus said He’d walk along with me.

And just as Jesus laid down His life to give me mine, I am laying down, daily and sometimes hesitantly, grudgingly even, my life to Him. Handing over my heavy load as He raises this broken child to life, as He takes my hand and walks with me. And I am still hesitating, still stumbling and choosing paths I know I shouldn’t follow, but for now, for now I can see it. And right now, that counts for everything.

Ohana
Present (and still in awe)
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